My worst experience of a depressive episode was while I was in college.
Something happened though I cant remember quite what that was to trigger the episode.
And I fell into a deep, dark hole.
Not for the first time might I add but this time was different in that I couldn't seem to pull myself out of the hole.
I stayed there.
I wallowed.
I was in so much pain.
It wasn't until one night after crying for hours that the pain got too much.
I remember I was in the bathroom and a thought entered my mind.
I thought maybe I should end my life.
This really shook me.
It was a wake up call for me.
I hadn't realised just how bad things had gotten.
This thought frightened me into action.
I needed help.
So that night I decided I was going to march myself into the doctors office the next day and get the help I needed.
I remember feeling really nervous, anxious even but determined.
I talked to the doctor and she diagnosed me with depression.
It was relief to know what I was dealing with as prior to this I didn't know what was happening with me.
She recommended that I take antidepressants and go to counselling in line with best treatment practices.
So I took her advice.
Started taking anti depressants and going to counselling.
I tried 6 sessions of CBT which were helpful enough.
I did start to feel better but the counselling did not go to the depths that I thought it needed to.
It only put a band aid on a gaping wound.
My counsellor did suggest I try mindfulness.
So I did an 8 week Mindfulness Stress Reduction programme at a Buddhist centre.#
And honestly sitting with myself, with my body and my thoughts was agony.
I found it very difficult to do.
I became aware of just how tightly wound my body was.
Where the stress collected at my shoulders.
How tense I was.
I became really aware of my thoughts and how dark and pessimistic they were.
It really opened my eyes and helped me reconnect in with my body and cultivate a greater awareness of myself.
After the 8 weeks I was able to experience peace after a really long time and it was bliss.
I glimpsed some light at the end of the tunnel.
At the same time as the therpapy and mindfulness I took anti depressants.
The anti depressants had some pretty awful side effects.
I remember sitting in a lecture unable to sit still.
I felt anxious. I felt nauseous. I did not feel good at all.
And looking back on it now with fresh eyes and all the wisdom I have gained over the years.
I realise that the side effects were actually warnings from my body.
My body was trying to warn me that what I was putting into it was not good for me.
Sadly at this time I was very disconnected from my body.
I heard it's message but I didn't realise what it meant.
Didn't dive deeper.
So I ignored it and suppressed it.
Opting to take the guidance of the doctor over my own bodily wisdom.
It was a mistake.
And a first lesson of many in giving my power away.
I continued with the anti depressants for a year.
I felt numb on them.
Like there was a dampener over everything.
I didn't feel like myself but I didn't feel depressed.
I came off them a year later.
I had to be titrated off them.
This was an horrific experience.
I did not realise that my body would become addicted to them.
And that I would experience tremendous withdrawal symptoms.
Mainly huge emotional swings and feelings of agitation.
But it was awful.
I also noticed that after taking the anti depressants my memory was never the same as it was before.
So after the year, I was off the antidepressants, my 6 sessions of CBT had finished a long time ago as well as my Mindfulness programme.
I was still practicing mindfulness myself and I was doing well.
Until a year or so later when I fell back down into the black hole again.
It hadn't worked.
I cant remember exactly when it happened but I began to question certain things.
I began reading.
And while reading I stumbled across an astonishing fact.
What they say about depression being a chemical imbalance in the brain.
A lack of serotonin in the brain.
That SSRI's (a type of antidepressant) - selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors work on the serotonin levels in the brain.
Blocking the uptake of serotonin and so increasing the levels.
That this fact that had been given to me during my treatment and also while studying psychology.
That this fact wasnt in fact true but a lie.
I discovered that the majority of serotonin receptors are actually in your digestive system and not in the brain.
And that serotonin levels have no correlation with depression.
At all.
In fact the scientific community doesn't even know how anti depressants work really.
And so my awakening began.
And I started to search for alternatives to heal my depression naturally.
It wasnt until years later in New Zealand.
When I started seeing s spiritual life coach.
Started talking about spirituality.
Started working directly with spirit.
Did I discover energy work.
And that I had an innate talent for it.
I began tuning into my bodies energy.
My intuition.
My internal guidance system.
I discovered that I could feel pockets of energy in my body.
I could feel my chakras.
I could always do this since I was young to a certain extent.
I just didn't know what I was doing or how I could use it to heal myself.
I started diving into the energy.
Taking to it.
And finding out what it was.
Usually an emotion which I would then ask why I was feeling that way.
It was through this method that I was able to clear a lot of stuck energy.
Diving deep into myself and finally getting to the root of my depression.
Curing it completely.
And what I discovered was eye opening.
The energy of the feeling of depression told me that I was feeling this way because I wasn't being true to myself.
I was living a lie.
I was pretending to be someone others wanted me to be.
And wasn't who I was at my core.
People pleasing, putting others needs before my own, not knowing who I was really.
All behaviours I engaged in.
So I worked hard.
I dove deep into myself.
Continued to process the energy and clear it out of my system.
Until finally I learned and embodied more of my authentic self.
And I wasn't depressed in the same way again.